THIS IS GONNA BE A LONGASS POST YALLLLLLL b rediiiiiii
I honestly had no idea what this blog would be about when I was creating it – I had different ideas but they all just seemed very forced and not like me. I justified my very first post (if you haven’t seen it) but I guess I’ll keep going and posting as I feel like it.
I stumbled upon my old blogs as I was scrolling through my previous deactivated ask.fm (I reactivated to take a look at the last questions I answered) and wow, I set my previous blog to private mainly ’cause of how raw it was. I had all these emotions that I was not very comfortable with showing to everyone. I had a question on my ask.fm requesting for permission to read my post as I was on my road to recovery from the break-up and it seemed like it helped the asker. But I was still not very comfortable with random people reading it.
I had second thoughts about mentioning my past relationship right here because it felt like it was unnecessary – I don’t know who’s reading this, if it’ll cause inconvenience to anyone, it’s more than a year ago and I’m way past it. But then again, that was exactly the last thing I was going through on my blogs and I really feel the need to address it before moving on with talking about other things.
I know it’s way overdue for me to be talking about it here right now but I would really like to absolutely clear, honest and raw with what I went through.
After a break-up, everyone needs closure. But the typical mindset and idea of an appropriate and good-enough closure is usually how the parties involved should come together, talk about it, and move on from it.
I disagree. Closure can be found without the presence/involvement of your former partner.
During the break-up, I was so fixated on the idea that I needed an appropriate reason, a meet-up and a talk to feel like it was finally done, and to feel that I was finally done. The idea that it was all left hanging really haunted me. I know that it really depends on the circumstances for the break-up but I know all endings come in the same way, the same form. It’s never pretty and beautiful. It’s either ugly or bittersweet.
I wanted a talk, but I was refused. Technically I was forced to be in a situation where I had to pick up all the pieces and stuff. So emotional right, but it didn’t last long la. I remember having to make a decision by the end of the day – to meet up and talk about it, or to meet a friend and forget about all of it. I chose the latter – I met up with a long-time close friend (let’s call him H) who happened to be free and we kinda just went for dimsum. During the brunch I was having with H, I kept saying how I wanted to go back there and like just have a talk, talk it all out and stuff. But by the end of the brunch, I chose not to. Friends are fucking important man, I swear. Do not ever desert your friends for your partner, that’ll be the stupidest move ever. I was blessed that my friends were understanding for all the times I wasn’t there for them because of my previous relationship.
Once I made that decision to not go back to it or “find closure”, I stuck with it through-out. I treated him as a friend even if we exchanged a few texts. I always believe in being sincere with what I say – which was that I still care and we could still be friends – and ever since I’ve always seen him just as a friend. Of course that friendliness didn’t last long when I was back to my old partying ways – I had no idea why he took offence since I was already officially single. Buttttt, see, we didn’t have a proper conversation about the relationship we had – how much we appreciated each other and how we were sorry for all the things we had done, but we’re still happily alive n kickin’ right now. He’s happily attached and I am really glad someone else has been able to be there for him in many ways I was lacking as a girlfriend.
After the break-up: Staying focused
The last thing my ex told me was that I should find myself a goody-two-shoes who’s more suited for me than he was. It still stuck to me to date because yes, who isn’t attracted to bad boys? I had a flair for that. I could have been the queen of going for all the wrongest guys ever. But he was goddamn right about it. I can’t be with someone whose ways I couldn’t accept.
I started using Tinder after much peer pressure (hahahahaha sorry I’m just conveniently putting the blame on u guys). I started dating on and off, mostly with guys I knew I would never be in a long-term relationship with. Like it was all for the fun of it. I know people reading this would go like “wtf coco, u playaaaa” but no, I made it clear. I always made it clear that we were not doing couple couple things like meeting family and all that. It’s always all or nothing for me. And dating happens to be on the nothing side. I guess you could call it prioritising.
I was focused in school, hanging out a lot more with friends… My friends in school started to say things like “woah coco, you’re in school on a Saturday!” Ikr, wadafak guys y’all mean. I’m not even exaggerating… In my 4th and final year of uni, I walked into the photog store to loan stuff and my junior asked if I was an elective student. 😥 But it was funny la hahahahahha. I was a ninjaaaaaa.
It was a toxic relationship, a legit rollercoaster ride. I was either ecstatic or fucking unhappy. But it was so addictive. The bad-boy syndrome. Damn. Rly got me wanting more. But nah, I’m done.
My dad just asked me this morning “U don’t want to paktor ah?” Hahahahaha sooooo let me talk about why I haven’t been in a relationship ever since.
REASONS WHY I THINK I AM SINGLE
I was 19 when I got into the relationship. I was immature, I was drinking, I was partying, I was hanging out with a lot of different friends. I was slowly getting exposed to living the yolo life. I was a lil bit of a rebel (not much… well, you can’t be much when you still have curfew). I was not developed (and I don’t mean physically, you idiots LOL). I wanted attention, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to have a boyfriend. He told me he had options but I knew he kinda chose me out of all the girls.
For all the wrong reasons, I stepped into that relationship. For all the right reasons, it kept going, and I thought it was actually going pretty strong. Of course, it didn’t even last an absolute 2 years, what a bummer. But he was the only person I was willing to bring to meet my family and include on all gatherings and trips. As a very selective person as to who meets my family, it meant the world – I thought he was the one. When I was in that rship, I was so sure that was the kind of me I wanted to be. I wanted to settle down, I wanted to do girlfriend things, I wanted to bake (wtf coco??????), I wanted to wear typical girly clothes, I wanted to be better.
Except that I did not become better. I became jealous, I became someone who was full of hatred and negativity. I became someone who was so conscious about myself – how I looked, what bags I carried, if I painted my nails… Because those were expectations he had of me. I felt the need to fulfil it. I was a person who didn’t even know if she was going to class the next day but there I was, fulfilling girlfriend duties. How silly. Love is great. But you gotta put it in the right place, with the right one.
I stopped seeing anyone for quite some time now, and have really spent so much time alone with my friends and family. I figured what I like to do, what I love wearing, what kind of hairstyles I keep changing, what food I like, what time I like waking up…. all the little things that complete me as a person, as an individual. I’m starting to know myself.
Making friends (failed dates) with people from different backgrounds and all that really exposed me to a lot more and made me realise that I could be a lot more. I could be so much better than I am now. I could be doing something really great. I could. That also brings about the realisation that I am still lacking.
2. To value-add
You know how you’re going out with someone and you actually think, “wwwwwow, I think my life will be absolutely awesome with someone like that” and then… Nope. U look at yourself and realise there’s nothing much you can offer. I’m not encouraging anyone to feel inferior. It’s just a personal thing that I believe that as a partner, you gotta value-add. I want a partner who wants to make me a better person. And so, I believe in being the best that I can for everyone I care about and that includes my partner. I want to be able to offer something to make his life better. I want to be able to make a difference albeit small. But I don’t think I’m at a state where I’m ready to offer anything. And it could also be due to my worthless-but-important-and-makes-me-who-i-am ego……..
Butttttttt, by “value-adding”, I don’t mean anything materialistic at all. It is about sharing your knowledge, being there to help and make his life better, giving good advice etc… All the more significant things to me. I have never thought buying gifts was significant….. and that brings about my third point.
3. Girlfriend duties
I SUCK AT GIRLFRIEND DUTIES. Why most of my close friends are guys – I talk shit, I am super lame, I do not give a shit about gifts, I make the worst insensitive jokes, I am the youngest child….. And my girlfriend JM has said before that I lack the thought of gifting…. which I absolutely agree. Sheryl also wrote a card recently to me and pointed out that I don’t keep handwritten cards and gifts very well….. haha.
I actually kindaaaaaaa feel offended when guys hand me movie tickets after the movie, expecting me to keep it like I’m gonna put them in an album or some shit?????? I don’t. Uh, I throw them away, allll awayyyyyyy ya. I am also the kinda girl who finds it a waste of money + hassle to get a 64gb iPhone to store everything because I will just factory reset my phone when memory is piled up. I simply do not give much shit, I like things simple.
I also don’t take absolutely good care of people when they are sick…. BUT I do not expect anyone to take care of me too when I am sick.. So it’s all nth but a fair game. There were times when I dated one I felt was awesome and like legitly could be a thangggg but then BOOM, he talks about his expectations like Oh maybe next time you can blablablaaaaaaaaa and then immediately I just feel like it’s over, I’m done. I aint being anyone’s girlfie. Go get yaself a wife. And when you’re like me, guys would assume you’re athletic, very yolo, very steady and all that, but I am caught in between. I do not fulfil girlfriend duties well but at the same time, I am far from being sporty and boyish. I am nowhere. Explains my url.
4. I do not like gifts
I appreciate gifts but I do not think it is an important factor to even be brought up in a relationship… Much less when you’re just dating. I was in one where the guy thought it was okay to raise his voice at me and that he did his best as a boyfriend once he got me an expensive watch that he could say he had done all he could and that I had done no shit for him.. u srs bro?…. But guess what, his attitude and watch went down the damn chute yo. I am not trying to say that I don’t give a shit about gifts or that I do not appreciate it when people buy me things. I do! The thought of buying a gift is so sweet, like he actually thought you’d like it. But it is definitely not what keeps me in a relationship. Trust me, a guy can buy you a house filled with gold and still be a goddamn asshole at the same time.
Back to the topic, I just can’t get used to gifting and all the typical rituals of a normal relationship. Fun fact…. I have only written 1 card in my previous relationship. So…. I think it is completely justified why I am single.
So appreciate your sweet, emotional and sensitive girlfriends/wives because some girls may be just like me. I mean if you’re a girl like me, please let me know, we could be best friends.
5. My pet peeves
I had this conversation with JM before about the little things some guys do that really turn me off. She actually said that things I considered were deal-breakers were not to her.
I absolutely absolutely absolutely hate it when guys are racist, judgmental and homophobic. And also when they litter or spit. Ultimate deal-breakers.
AND Im not saying that JM is okay with racist, judgmental and homophobic guys. LOL It was a one-off incident I mentioned about this guy doing some weird shit like being inconsiderate and stuff on the train which turned me off lol.
I guess by now you’ll understand why I am single…
if you even made it to the end…. I spent hours writing this………………..
BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT WHEN guys are positive, life-loving & passionate human beings. :’)
Thank you to everyone who stayed on to read about my single life… I’m not even sure why anyone would read so far into this post but yeah if ya here, thank yoooosssss. Much love.