I started off full. Like a big tree with beautiful green leaves and bright red apples to offer. I was like that tree. I started with all I wanted to offer; all I could offer.
I was happy to give my time, my love, my trust and my honesty. As it went with every guy I dated, I slowly stopped giving. With each individual I dated, I learnt a lesson.
He takes your trust away.
For every word he said, I believed it. For every time that he told a lie, I learnt not to trust. I was generous, way too generous. The times he said they were just friends, I believed it – up until I was proven otherwise. The realisation that you’ve been lied to – you ask yourself why you were so stupid. Why were you so quick to find excuses for every lie he tells?
I wanted to give him all I could. All the trust I had. But nobody appreciates a fool.
He takes your honesty away.
An open book – that’s what most people say I am. I want to be honest. Even when I am at fault, I want him to know. I want him to accept me as a whole – for what I was, what I had done, what I am and what I want to be. I don’t want him to accept me just seeing the sides and pictures I painted for him to see. I want him to understand me for me.
But for every single time I want to come clean, I’m pushed away. That’s when I learnt it does not always benefit one to be honest. The honesty I offered and sincerity to change were thrown away along with the mistakes I made that I wanted to make up for.
Not everyone appreciates honesty. Well after all, truth is brutal, truth is harsh. Speak less, fault less.
He takes your time away.
I pushed away appointments. I stripped myself off some responsibilities I should have been carrying. Just to make time. Just to make sure I was available. Just to make sure we could see each other.
I lost track of what I was supposed to do. Time is so precious, especially for one who cannot afford to be fooling around wasting years. You’d think, giving him what you deemed so precious, you would be cherished. You’d think he would appreciate all the times you made yourself available. Almost immediately available. You made sure you had your hours freed up during his off days. Made sure you told your friends you were gonna be busy.
After all that has ended, I always questioned myself if it was worth it. Slowly as I grew older, I got my priorities in check. I made sure it has to be someone who makes me feel like he’s worth it, so much so that I would be willing to give something this precious away.
He takes your love away.
It used to be easy. “I love you.” These words could be easily said. These words used to be appreciated. But as you grow older, they become words that you have to be so careful with. Almost taboo. These 3 words hold so much weight, so much so that it could actually scare people away.
Tell him how you feel, and he says words are cheap and your love means nothing. You said your piece but still, he refuses to express. So don’t tell him how you feel – I began to learn that that’s the right way.
As time passes,
I slowly learnt not to trust.
I slowly learnt not to tell.
I slowly learnt not to give.
I slowly learnt not to express.
I slowly learnt not to feel.
And now, he asks me why I act this way.
I’ve been feeling so unwell lately – body has gone entirely haywire. I am trying my best to keep to a regular diet and sleeping hours. I get indigestion soooo often, it’s crazy. I’m not touching beer until my body’s good. Regardlessly, there are still so many nights I’m kept awake. It’s been a week of seriously-not-functioning-well. I’m trying very hard to balance all that’s happening in life right now. So hard. But what’s living if it isn’t difficult? ^^ Writing a little early this week because I had to get this off my chest.
Also, let me take a moment to mention I have met the greatest Grab/Uber/Taxi drivers this week. Every single one of them had something interesting to share, and I’ve had pretty amazing conversations with each of them, through every and each ride.
Good weekend ahead, people!
Coke of All Trades 