You Drink / Party, and You Believe You Deserve Less

For some reason, I hope I am not alone on this one.

We date around. We have fun. But at the end of the day, we all want to settle down, be committed and not see anyone just for the fun of it. However, whenever we’re so close to settling, we get scared. We go back to square one. But why is this happening? Why would we be so unwilling to move on from the phase of just having fun?

I sit down and think about it a lot. I find myself telling my friends I want a change. But I’ve been saying this for the past 2 years. It hasn’t gotten me anywhere. I thought about it more these days and realised it is only because deep down, I believe I deserve less than I really do.

 

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Photo-series: Conscious, 2016.

Fun is too much fun for you.

You go out, you have fun, and places you frequent are where you tend to meet new people. You go to clubs and pubs on weekday nights and weekends. You meet so many new faces, people you have chemistry with, but at the end of the day, you know you don’t want to settle with someone who has a night life like you do. Yes, it is double standards, but the reality is we don’t want to date someone like ourselves.

 

We constantly look for a reason to change.

No, we’re not looking for someone else to change us, but we’re looking for a reason to change ourselves. And that is only because we want to change, but we never had a reason to.

There’s really nothing much for me to do besides hanging out with friends and chilling with drinks after a day of work. On crazier nights, I go to clubs and hang for a bit. This routine seriously bores me. Even happening places can become so unhappening after a period… of 2 years lol.

Now that work has taken over my life, it is the only reason for change. And to be honest, I wish the reason was a person *lol*.

 

We change.

Like me, you’ve found a reason, but not a person, to change for the better. Work has forced me to adjust my lifestyle. I know it is a choice, I could still party, but I chose not to. I chose to spend my free time writing this, thinking about life, staying home, and just catching up on my alone time which I desperately need.

I am now accustomed to just going home after a long day of work, and not feeling like I wasted my 24hours. I don’t get up dreading work and feeling like my life is boring.

 

We think we are ready to settle.

I am SO ready to settle…… That’s what I think whenever I meet someone I know is worthy. Someone I know I would settle with.

And then it comes….

 

We doubt ourselves.

So many times I’ve told my friends how I feel like I am ready to be in a relationship, to be committed to a person. But then I think about how I’ve lived my life the past 2 years. So used to doing things alone, making decisions on my own and setting goals on my own. So used to having fun, drinking, not being responsible to any sort of commitments. And then the comparison comes.

He has lived his life as a goody two-shoes. He is used to not hanging out late at night. He is used to what you’re not used to. He is perfect, but will you be good enough for him?

Questions like this get in my head all the time, and it often gets the better of me.

 

We give up.

Coco, forget it. I know you too well and you’re not suited for this. You’ll never be a committed person with your lifestyle. He’s too good for you.

A close friend told me that. But so did my head, for a bit. I then convinced myself otherwise, that I shouldn’t listen to all these negativity, and what you do doesn’t define you. But at the end of the day, the fear takes over. I’m just not a good, stay-home girl-next-door, at least, not good enough for someone like him.

If I could use numbers to represent; 80% of me says I deserve this, but the 20% will always and forever be there. The doubtful 20%. I am not confident I deserve this.

 

We go back to square one.

Since I’m never going to make it back to the “decent squad”, let me just stick to my own habits and people.

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Or maybe, like another friend said, I just haven’t met the one. The one who’ll be willing to look past my habits and need for being alone. The one who understands, recognises my 20% and doesn’t mind.


 

I know, I know. I know drinking and partying don’t make one bad. It doesn’t make me bad. But it’s a lifestyle I wish I could get rid of. However, it is the frustration that comes with the realisation of how the idea of drinks and party nights still get me pretty excited. I used to think it’ll come with age. By 25 I’m probably just going to be so sick of all these. But no, I don’t think it is going to fade anytime soon.

It feels like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle. I want to find someone different. Someone who’s going to show me something new. Something different. Someone who can teach and guide me. Someone who’ll be able to give me enough reason to not continue this lifestyle for good. But at the same time, I’m not getting myself out of this circle. …… :/ But I believe I’m working on it.

On a side note, I’ve also included links to my different articles categorised for easier navigation and reading by the menu & navigation on the right. 🙂

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