What It Feels to Seem Emotionless

I can’t feel even more uninspired than I have been in the past few weeks. It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post. Mostly because I haven’t been feeling nothin’.

I redid my Myers Briggs test – I started off as an ENTP, but in the past year I actually switched to an ENFP.. Which I deduced was because I had to feel a lot and be in touch with my emotions to work on my FYP then. I did my Myers Briggs test a few times again recently, and I am back to being an ENTP. I am not exactly ecstatic about this change because I do realise how I can be when I am really an ENTP.

If you haven’t done one, I think it’s pretty interesting to do the test and find out what you are. You can do it here, but it’ll take around 5-10 minutes. And of course human beings are flexible and susceptible to change. You won’t stay being just 1 personality type forever… Unless you damn rigid la. Do it now and then and you’ll realise how some things in life really do affect you and cause the change. I AM SIDETRACKING.

But anyways, the whole point here is how I thought I was okay with dealing with emotions until lately again… That I realised I’m still not comfortable.

I don’t cry when I watch sad movies.

Or shows. Whatever. I find myself thinking about really random things when the sad or touching parts show. I refuse to connect emotionally to a fictional emotional narrative. I think about things like how the actors aren’t actually sad in real life… And how it’s “just a show”.

I don’t verbally express my negative feelings.

When I’m angry, when I’m sad, when I’m disappointed. I never felt comfortable opening up immediately and expressing them right away. I tend to just back off and retreat to my own space to think it through logically.

I find it difficult to comfort someone who’s upset.

I find myself trying to justify how that person shouldn’t be sad over something. I perfectly understand that feelings are what make people humane. Emotions are meant to be felt. I perfectly understand that. But somehow, whenever someone gets too upset over an issue, I don’t speak a word because I know what’s going to come out of my mouth are things that can be too logical and even insensitive to some.

People think I’m heartless.

“Do you even have emotions?”
“You’re really cold.”
I’ve heard these soooo many times I don’t even bother justifying or explaining myself anymore.

BUT I do feel emotions.

I do feel them. People like me will understand. We just don’t like showing it. Some people have told me it’s my pride while some see it as me being very guarded. Either way, I just don’t feel comfortable expressing my emotions. There are times I feel really upset and affected on the inside, but I’ve only learnt to express them as frustration and anger.

It’s something I’m still working on. I believe there are people out there who perfectly understand what I’m saying and what I’m going through. I tend to keep quiet when I’m upset because I know I don’t want to say something rashly because they’ll sound emotional… And emotional discussions usually aren’t very logical.

At the end of the day, as much as I feel like I need to work on it… I’d still like to embrace it and find a balance. I don’t see being deemed as “emotionless” an entirely bad thing.. I just need to be more balanced. It’s just natural for me to justify my emotions whenever I feel something.. Which makes everything become rational. I just don’t feel comfortable with negative emotions.

But yeah, nobody’s perfect.

This year’s been pretty awesome as of now. I had amazing people by me during my birthday, and I wasn’t even expecting much. I am pampered, sooo blessed and sooo loved.

My one and only NY resolution (which I secretly had) for 2017 is to be true to myself. And 2 weeks into it, it happened. I feel like I can finally be myself. I’ve gotten little tattoos done years back but I’ve done them in places I could hide. However, recently I got one done on my inner arm. None of my family really knew until few weeks back. Of course they flipped but all’s good now. I feel like at least I don’t have to hide shit and can be 100% true to what, how and who I am… Or aim to be.

Tattoos may be just a very minor and superficial thing that mean nothing. But getting them done helps me embrace who I am. I don’t really give a shit about what others think besides my family. And now that they’ve accepted it, I’m happy.

So thankful for everyone who has made a positive impact on me and helped me learn to grow as an individual. Not forgetting my dearest friends who have been by me since I was an empty shell.