The dating culture today has been exploited. So so so exploited.
We keep making the wrong decisions, choosing the wrong people, at the worst time possible. And we keep thinking about how we’re making all these wrong decisions. What about the right ones? We can’t guarantee that any relationship is gonna be right – even until you’ve signed papers, exchanged vows. Even marriages today are so fragile.
So if you can’t control this, what can you control? That you make the right decision at each point of time. And by “right”, I mean a decision that you won’t end up regretting. Regrets are only formed because you gained absolutely nothing or even made a loss in a relationship. Before you come at me about referencing a relationship to something as good as a trade – you need to face it that any form of relationship is indeed a trade.
It is how much you love someone, and how he or she makes you feel. It is what you can give, and what he or she gives you. It may not be material needs, but it could be satisfying and being there for your emotional, or even sexual, needs.
1. Be sure of why you’re into your date
Why are you seeing him or her? How does he or she make you feel? It is also true that opposites attract. You tend to wanna hang with someone who makes you feel like you wanna be him/her. You’re boring, and lazy. You want to be with someone who’s energetic, fun and full of ideas. He may be cute… But then again, every idiot on earth knows looks wear off and you will eventually see him/her as just another being. So what’s beneath the skin and pretty face that make you feel really excited every time before you meet him/her?
If you’re into someone cuz he/she is rich/brings you to posh places… Yada yada yada… This post isn’t for you. We can’t and won’t be able to relate.
2. Does your date feel the same?
No shit sherlock – it takes two hands to clap. If he’s not that into you, he’s just really not that into you. I think I’ve written about how one who lacks effort and initiative is a clear sign that he just really can’t be fucked to make time. So take that sign, swallow it and digest it well. It is what it is. Don’t make excuses for him.
3. Most importantly – What this is VS what it could be
This is what a majority of people, you and I, have been doing. And it is a huge mistake. We are so focused on the future of what this relationship could eventually become that we lose sight of what it really is right now at this point of time.
I’m not talking about “enjoying the ride” to get to your mothereffin destination with him/her. I’m talking about being clear about why this date/relationship keeps you going at this very second.
I’ve picked ppl based on what they could become, and how what they could potentially become would then value-add my life. And this usually happens when you start dating someone and y’all talk too much into the future, but not what bout you and him/her are looking for right now. See, there is no point in being with someone who’s looking for the same type of future if you guys can’t even see eye to eye now.
Sure, both of you want the same number of kids, to live in the same country etc but he’s busy with his career and you want someone who can be there and make plans with you everyday. You’ll find yourself tolerating a lot more and sacrificing a lot more. And what happens after 3 or more years down the road? People change, it is only normal. You can never be sure of the future.
If you focus too much about what it could eventually be, instead of what it is giving you right now, you’ll find yourself lowering your standards right now, and taking in a lot of bullshit you otherwise would never.
When my friends ask me if they should break up with their partners, a simple question is: “Are you happy now?” followed by “Do you see yourself living with him/her even after 10 years of marriage?” If the answer is no to either, you know it’s merely trying to hit the number of years and fulfil the formalities that come with every official relationship. I’ve seen friends who got married to people they told me they were gonna break up with, and sure enough, the start of the marriage is pretty sweet. But most of them have separated at this point of time.
4. Prioritise yourself
Lastly, the only way to make sure you don’t ever regret choosing someone – is to make sure you have every reason to pick him/her because he/she value-adds your life. I’m talking about at the point of decision-making, not through the relationship if you should be prioritising yourself entirely. Every relationship comes with compromises, but don’t make it too often.
It may sound selfish, but if someone is in your life to only take and not give, then you might as well get a dog. At least a dog is cuter and much more bearable than some humans could actually be.
Everyone is held back by fear. But seriously, what is there to lose? Put yourself out there and experience every single moment that comes with it. Happy or sad. Nerve wrecking or relaxing. I’ve been told once that the only time a life experience, positive or not, is a disadvantage is when you stop yourself from putting a 100% into it.
Keep your heads up, and have faith. For now, I just want to enjoy every moment and spend time with people who make me the happiest.
P/S: I’m sorry I kept switching between gender pronouns. Hehehe, have a great November!