The past few weeks haven’t been the easiest, but it is also the time I have learnt the most about myself than ever. It’s 6 days to turning half of 50. Honestly, I already feel 25.
The first 8 months of 2017 were wasted. I didn’t do much of the things I liked. I practically wasted those time on a person who really wasn’t worth it. For those who didn’t know, I got attached and a lot of things happened. At one point in time I was depressed and didn’t tell anyone. I was up a lot in the nights and couldn’t sleep. At that point, I did feel emotional abused due to some particular cray ass things he would do in the past. But I’m glad Jasmine was there with me and be like… Gurl, dump this b@#%^&# pls.
Before we start playing the blame game, allow me to clarify that I am also not the easiest person to get along with. I am also not the nicest so I would also say very mean things to him. We broke up mutually and we’re still friends now. We’re cool and we aint got beef no more. He’s with someone else, and I am very happy for him. Firstly, because phew. Nah jk. We just didn’t work out because we’re very very different. I am too individualistic and I didn’t want to compromise (although I eventually did). Of course, he was a shitty person to me too. But we’re so comfortable with each other that even if he reads this now he’ll probably just laugh it off and accept that he was a shitty ass bij.
So, with my focus constantly on fixing that relationship I thought was meant to be, I lost sight of the things I really wanted to do for myself in the entire year. Sure, I picked up skating again with him and we had a great time while things were all sugar, spice and sunshine. But that didn’t last long enough to make me feel like all the fights and demands were worth it.
After the break-up, I started seeing someone here and there. My focus was just on work, family and friends. I was still going on dates yada yada. But towards the end of 2017, I looked back and realised I didn’t achieve anything at all in a year, well besides work. And if you’re questioning why all I talked about is a relationship in 2017, that is exactly how it seemed to me. That was the only highlight of the year because of how crazily dramatic the entire relationship panned out to be, and also how much of an asshole he turned out to be…
I guess that’s why I am where I am now and today. For that, I am extremely grateful for all the things that I have learnt last year – good or bad.
In these few weeks, I made up my mind on a lot of things. I cut down on my party nights. Focused a lot more on work and family, and spending time doing things I really wanted to do – going to exhibitions, taking photos, writing. I stopped seeing anyone and I just want to focus on my life, my goals and hobbies.
It’s a very different Coco now. I am also very thankful that my friends who I used to spend every Wed/Fri/Sat nights with are very understanding and supportive about all the things I’m trying to work towards. I mean after all, I no longer am the Coco who’s always on standby for drinks and late night parties anymore.
I am also a lot clearer on what I want, and what kind of partner I want if I were to even date. If he’s not close to it, I’m not wasting my time. In the past, it was a lot about them guys being there at the right time, right place, and not so much about me truly thinking that this is the kind of person I want to spend my time or life with. I was loose with the standards of men I dated. Well, no longer. I think it comes with age and in phases. As I’m figuring out what I want to achieve, I start realising how much time I have been wasting on all the wrong things and people.
In the past, even just a year from now, I was constantly afraid and worrying about things beyond my control and how other people feel. But now, I don’t care much anymore. You can’t help someone if you can’t even help yourself. So 2018 goals would be Cokes gon get her shit tgt.
From now, I am focused.