I Lost You on Christmas

Since it has been some time since I’ve last written a more personal post on myself, I’ve decided to dedicate this Christmas’ post to it. You may be wondering about my title, but I’ll go into that in a bit. Be warned though, it is going to be a long post.

I feel like I have some sort of weird relationship with Christmas, and as you read, you’ll know what I mean. I am not usually a believer of fate and destiny. I feel that one can always take charge and turn things around. But these were things I felt were fate, as if it was all destined.

Two wefies taken at sis’ Xmas party earlier that has no relation to the post. Yes Im leveraging on vain wefies hehe 😀

2012 Christmas: I lost a close friend

When I was in my year 1 in uni (2011/2), I literally woke up to the worst news ever on Xmas eve. A close friend passed away, how could I celebrate Christmas? I was 19. I never felt the pain of really losing someone until I was 19. I could still remember the times I bawled my eyes out at the thought of him, even in public. Emotions that I could not control, which is so unlike me.

It felt like fate because we didn’t talk for a few months, but 2 nights before Christmas, he dropped me a text saying that he would be in my uni’s vicinity in the coming year. He updated me about his new plans for his career, and how he got a new car, so we could meet up for supper if I was in hall. He then hurriedly said goodbye because he was in a rush to fetch his girlfriend from work, and I told him to drive safe. I still rmb our conv so vividly. It just felt like he was officially bidding farewell. 

Nobody really knew we were close friends until I showed up at his funeral. I remember that morning, the routine of waking up, checking my phone, but seeing such a message. I immediately sat up from my bed and wished it wasn’t reality, wished I saw the name wrong, wished it was a wrong message.

But it wasn’t. I cried so badly.

I was going through 2D Foundation Art classes back in ADM thereafter. I have to say art has helped me a great deal. Aside from shaping me to becoming who I am today, it has helped me tremendously with some sort of closure especially for that. I could not put my feelings in words. I could not stop grieving. I turned to art. People asked why I loved drawing skulls, I could not answer why. It just came naturally because it was associated with death. I thought about life and death a lot for that period of time. I never got over it, I just learnt to deal with it better. I was angry. I used to be religious before that. This loss made me lose all kinds of religious and spiritual faith.

It was a year of realisation that life is motherfuckingly fragile. I learnt to cherish what and who I have. Which is why once I am committed to someone or something, it becomes very difficult to say no. I become overly expressive because my greatest fear is losing someone I hold close.

 

2014 Christmas: I lost someone I loved

I slowly stopped grieving and continued with my usual boring, drinking ways. Sometimes alcohol acted like a form of escapism. I hate to admit it, but that is nothing but the truth. That’s when I met my ex boyfriend. How we started talking was solely because that particular friend I lost on Xmas, was a mutual friend. And that was really the very first conversation we had before we became friends and started dating.

During the rship, I truly believed he was a gift. I felt like my ex could kinda fill that void that will always be there because of his passing. I felt like my friend connected the both of us in so many ways which wouldn’t have been possible because of our opposing character & personalities.

And on that alone I held on tight, thinking he was the right one for me.

But he broke up with me on Christmas.

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So that summarises my fate with Christmas. I don’t have a conclusion. Someone asked if I would be sad on Christmas – my answer is no. The saddest I could ever be, has already happened once on Christmas. I cannot possibly be sadder than how I was knowing I lost a friend who sincerely looked out for me and took care of me. It took me more than just months to start feeling better. Nothing could top that.

But my Christmases ever since have been pretty occupied. I spent 2015 with my bunch of uni friends playing some trivia games at their place. We had potluck. It was fun, but I also was recovering from a fever. So basically, I do not have very good luck with Christmases looool. Despite that, I still adore the festive spirit & season so I still love doing Xmas shopping. 2016 will be another occupied one since my family, too, makes the effort to get together on Xmases.

Having said that, this post serves no point but to get it off my chest about how I’ve always felt about Christmas… and my fate with it. I do feel jinxed but I’m not a superstitious person, so it’s just me saying I feel jinxed but deep down I know I am not. I like science.

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This year has been pretty awesome. But I’ll leave the entire recap for my post on 31st. Much love.

Merry Christmas y’all.

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Update @ 25/12/2016 7:37PM

This morning, I woke up to yet another news of the passing of an old lady I talk to almost everyday. She stays in the same block, and she always sits at the void deck, sometimes with a cigarette in one hand. She’ll always ask me if I’ve eaten, how’s school and in recent months, she may be old but she registered that I’ve started working. She asked me how my salary was, if I was paid enough for a degree student. When I said no, she urged me to get a new job. Asked me if I was doing well. Asked if I liked my job. Asked me not to stay out too late when she saw me going out at night.

I remember how she really liked my ex boyfriend as well, and would never fail to smile when she saw the both of us together. He used to talk to her a lot too. I remember how at times I dragged myself to school, I’d see her on my way to the station and we would always spend a few minutes talking about little things like how I hated school, couldn’t wait to graduate & start working. Occasionally, she would ask about my mom, if she’s home. There & then I’ll remind her not to smoke too much, and to remember to take her meals. She would always just laugh and nod, signalling me to go ahead to school and not nag at her too much.

The last I saw her was on my way to work on Friday morning. We bumped into each other in the lift and she looked pale, but I thought she was just not feeling too well on that day. Suddenly she forgot that I have already started working, and asked since when I graduated. Sometimes it is all these little things, little conversations that we should have cherished. The questions we should have asked and concern we should have given. Sometimes we wish we knew. Sometimes I wish I knew.

I hope she’s in a much happier & better place. RIP, you’ll be missed.